I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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