I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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