Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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