someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
