Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize