I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
