Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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