WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
