i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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