I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
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Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
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I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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