Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
