See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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