he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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