I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize