nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
