wanna go halves on a baby?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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