it hurts more in the daytime
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
