he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
