u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
