You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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