Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
