I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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