I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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