Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My pussy is not your playground.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
