my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
