The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
