you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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