my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
