life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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