totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I think I have vodka in my lungs
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
