So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
