the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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