I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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