i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
