I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
