You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
