I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
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