Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
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He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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