you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
