I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
