So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
