I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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