I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
