Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
