you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
