she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
