Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm sobbing to NWA
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
