Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
