Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
