He is such a slut. More and more my type.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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