Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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