Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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