I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
