Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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