I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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