Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
