also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
