Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
