he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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