i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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