Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Randomize
