Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
